Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
