some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize