I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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