Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
