thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
