I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
