I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
