God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Do you have feelings for this penis?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I forget how to act sober
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
