She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Randomize
