This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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