Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
