My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
