Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
