my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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