Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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