Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
