I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
