Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Randomize
