I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
