I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
