I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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