Having a random hookup so left but love u
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
