i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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