ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
