Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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