you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
