So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
