I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Just pee around me
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
