I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
