I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
