I think i sorta joined a cult last night
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
