I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
