You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Randomize
