Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
he fucked my hip out of place.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
