giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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