this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
