If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
