I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
