Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
