I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
