chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
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