Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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