Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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