i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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