If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
