I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
