I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
