Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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