toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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