i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
