If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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