im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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