Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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