I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
