I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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